Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
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Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.