Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
You Might Also Like
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
$4 #usedbooks
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”