why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
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People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.