Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
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If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
still the best tweet of the year by far
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.