why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
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You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.