Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
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My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
#Caturday
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*