WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
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the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
One venti cheeseburger please.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.