Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
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I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I have never related to anyone more.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.