“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
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I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I would move hell over six inches for you
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.