Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
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fourth time’s the charm
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
this is uni
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.