Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
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Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Brands during Pride
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”