Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
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BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Not today.. 😂
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
liiiiiiiiike
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
meow
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars