“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
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My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
the three branches of government
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way