Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
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If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
What if the weather talks about us?
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Finally! 😈
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I have a place for everything. The floor.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.