Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
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Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Beauty and the Beast
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife