@davidiserson

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

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@lmegordon

My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”

@dafloydsta

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

@bobvulfov

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

@Kyle_Lippert

A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.

@edfoxcomedy

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

@JasonLastname

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

@tiReynard

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

@Reverend_Scott

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.