Why aren’t more people talking about this?
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Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out