Why aren’t more people talking about this?

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My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”


I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.


[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo


A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.


“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms


I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.


We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1


Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.