Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
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[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
me adding lol on a serious message
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
okay run it by me one more time
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.