Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
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The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee