Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
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No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
🤣could you imagine
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?