“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
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Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
beware of dog
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that