What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
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Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Brain: That is a fly.
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.