@Smug_Lemur

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

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@flinnie

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

@whatsJo

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

@Brampersandon_

MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol

@leechee420

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

@Stellacopter

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

@BlairLoudly

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: Nope, fluff.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: That is a fly.

Me: SPIDER!!!

Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.

@notmythirdrodeo

4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!

me: well, where did you have it last?

4: outside

@HiddenPinky

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

@SteveSuckington

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

@amydillon

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.