Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

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What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?


Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”


MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol


I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.


Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.



Brain: Nope, fluff.


Brain: That is a fly.


Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.


4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!

me: well, where did you have it last?

4: outside


Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.


[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago


Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.