Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
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DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64