@Smug_Lemur

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

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@AimeeHelene1

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

@RodLacroix

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

@botandy

totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school

@bewgtweets

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

@dire_beard

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

@ericsshadow

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

@psybermonkey

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

@BrdnHatesYou

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

@turbomanatee

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

@pmclellan

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.