@Smug_Lemur
@flinnie What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
You Might Also Like
@flinnie 
@whatsJo Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
@Brampersandon_ MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
@leechee420 I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
@Stellacopter Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
@BlairLoudly Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
@notmythirdrodeo 4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
@HiddenPinky Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
@SteveSuckington [Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
@amydillon Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.