Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
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[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.