Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
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WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone