Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
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I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Brb my Sims are getting married
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
What’s so funny?
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.