Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.

They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.

Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.

Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.

No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive

My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.

*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.