Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
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*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet