Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!