Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
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i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’