Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
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[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
You learn something every day
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?