Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
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i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Life is a suicide mission.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Oh deer