why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
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“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross