Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
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Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Merica.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.