why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
You Might Also Like
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
This is me 🤣🤣
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.