Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
You Might Also Like
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
My current situation
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.