Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
You Might Also Like
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there