Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
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[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
This probably isn’t good
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.