Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
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When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.