Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
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My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
