Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
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NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
the official breakfast of 2021
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.