Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
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Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.