@mickru79

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

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@ChiChiGreenblat

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

@WillociRaptor

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

@katlamcglynn

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

@lovejulieacafe

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

@mattsurely

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*

@ThisOneSayz

Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?

Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.

@doktorj

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

@Kyle1092

So I neutered my car yesterday

“You, what?”

Neutered my car

“…”

It’s another word for fixed

“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”

@TheFirstDudish

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.