Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
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Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
I hope they boil the right one.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids