Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
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All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
No laws when master is gone
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance