Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
You Might Also Like
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me