Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
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I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Me checking my bank balance online.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
you will never know the true number of layers
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
first you must answer his riddles
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.