Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
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With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
🔦🌙👣
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.