Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
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Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
August 8
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]