“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
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Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol