why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
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[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
the official breakfast of 2021
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES