“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
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*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
We like the way Dwight thinks
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash