Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
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Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.