Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
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Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.