Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
You Might Also Like
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
OKAY DAD
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
When you’re Kinky but poor
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”